Hiccups....again?!

Hiccups. I get them while I am dusting the living room furniture. I get them while I'm doing the dishes. I get them while I am trying to go to sleep after a long day. I get them while I'm in the shower. I get them while I'm tucking Alivia into bed. I get them while I'm driving and even in the middle of a service at church! They come at the most inconvenient times, don't they? And at their own will, they interrupt my peaceful, easy breathing.

A couple days after losing our Helen Charis, Santos and I were talking about how we had been feeling. The ups and downs of our loss. We were talking about how quickly it goes from up to down. We would be having an up moment being overwhelmed by the love people were showing us through the kind cards, the yummy dinners, the clean house, the fresh laundry, and the babysitting of Alivia. Then, abruptly the down moments would come. We would be missing our baby girl. I would be yearning to feel her kick again. To hear her cry just once. To see her beautiful eyes look into mine. Then Santos described it perfectly. He said, "It's like hiccups. They come out of nowhere, who knows how long they will stay and suddenly they're gone." That is exactly how it is! Just a couple weeks ago I was dusting and thinking about the possibility of us moving to Colorado~HICCUP~I realize that if we move we would be leaving Helen behind. I'll be washing the dishes; look outside to see Santos holding Alivia with a big smile on his face~HICCUP~I would think of how he would have been holding Charis with that same smile. I will be laying down to sleep~HICCUP~roll over to see the empty spot where Charis' bassinet would have been. I would be taking a shower~HICCUP~and notice the scar from my c-section. I will be tucking Alivia into bed~HICCUP~and remember that there is another blanket that will not be pulled up. I would be driving~HICCUP~and realize that there is only one car-seat in my rear view mirror. I would be listening to the announcements at church~HICCUP~they say what else could a mom want for mother's day than for you to be in the pew with her? Oh, these hiccups!

People try all these silly things to make hiccups go away...rubbing their ears, drinking water, and holding their breath among other things. Personally, none of them have ever worked well for me. Being bitter about my daughter's death is not going to work! Being angry at God is not going to work! Pointing a finger at the doctors is not going to work! Thinking about what I could have done is not going to work! What has and will continue to work is giving my burden to my LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ! What is going to work is relying on Him to carry me through the downs! What is going to work is remembering the fact that His ways are far more better than mine! What is going to work is letting as many people "meet" my daughter the only way they can; through writing this blog. I pray that if you are going through a down time that will take my advice. Don't try rubbing your ears, drinking a gallon of water, or holding your breath. Turn to God, give Him your life and He will bless you for it!

Our first born daughter Alivia Christine throwing rocks in the creek with her Daddy


"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
~Matthew 11:28&29(a.k.a GOD)

Blessings,
Jordan

Eight days

My insides ached. My heart broke for her; for all the family. God must have been holding me a little tighter the night I heard what was going on. I went directly to my husband, who was talking with my youngest brother, and relayed the news. We instantly sought our Faithful Savior in prayer and in the end His will was done. It had to be done; for the sovereign, Holy, and mystifying reasons of God.

My cousin Sarah Arlene Garcia and her husband Miguel have both served our country in the Army. Miguel is still serving and is currently in Iraq as I type. He had arrived back in the States from Iraq on the 8th of February, anxiously awaiting the first time to hear his daughter's heartbeat. Sarah had a beautiful, healthy, normal pregnancy...until that day. On February 9th, she along with Miguel and her mother Marsha went in for her 39th week check up. Precious Hailey’s heartbeat could not be found. I was not aware of the situation until late in her labor and late at night. I can only imagine what was going on at the hospital…prayers, tears, hugs, and an onslaught of emotions. Sweet, innocent, fearfully and wonderfully made Hailey was delivered at 1:06AM, on February, 10th, 2010; her due date. Her perfectly created body was born, but her young spirit had already gone on home...leaving a father's ears forever unfulfilled.

Hailey Arlene was laid to rest on February, 13th, 2010. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. It was unreal to be there…two infant funerals eight days apart. God is still good!

In the weeks to follow Sarah and I shared our stories, pictures, and love for each other and our daughters. When Sarah and I got together for the first time. I was telling her how I knew God has already used this for good. I said, "If we both had our little girls, we wouldn't be here together today. We would be living our own lives and doing our own things." Sarah said, "Yeah, we would just be doing what we always did. Never talking to each other." God knew this was going to happen. It was no shock to Him. Our relationship is only the beginning of the good God is making from our losses.

We have experienced the same loss, but they are so drastically different. I got to come home and be a mom. Don't misunderstand me! Sarah is a mother! A mother full of love for her child! A mother that had plans for her daughter! A mother that cared for her baby's needs the ENTIRE time she was alive! But I had Alivia at home. I could still "act out" being a mom. I could still change diapers, wipe runny noses, and kiss boo-boos. I still ache for her. I love you Sarah! I can only imagine..."I am a mother, but I don't have anyone to mother." she told me. I won't begin to act like I know that side of your pain. I don't. But, God is good. Hailey and Helen are growing up together. They, along with all the other lost babies, will be toddling on streets of gold! Streets of gold people! God knew that Helen needed a playmate and He gave a gorgeous one! Thanks for "meeting" Hailey Arlene! And thank you, Sarah for letting me share your precious daughter with everyone!

I have more to share. More healing is to come, along with more tears.
But...we know that ALL things work together for good to them who love God, to them who are the called, according to His purposes. ~Romans 8:28.

Blessings,
Jordan

The Depths of Darkness

If you haven't been able to tell, I love to write. And I pray that God will use that desire of mine to do His work. My mom also enjoys writing. A God given talent. During our stay at the hospital my mom wrote and spoke a blessing over our Little Miss Helen Charis. It brought me comforting, healing, and a new sense of God's great mercy. With her consent, I would like to share it with you. I pray that those of you who have lost a child at an age that seemed too young will find comfort and healing in my mother's words as well. Be blessed and know that God is GOOD, God is God, He is ultimately in control, and His ways are PERFECT!

Blessing Spoken over Helen Charis on January 30th, 2010. Written by Lori Kerr.

Helen Charis
Blessed of God

To never know the pain of heartache
To never know the heat of anger
or the sting of betrayal
To never experience hate or evil
or the depths of darkness

You'll never be lonely or frightened
or tempted to sin
for you, only joy
only peace
only love

You'll never have to be convinced
of God's great love for you
Never struggle to find His will
for your life
Never have cause to ask that question
Why, God?

You'll always know light
Always hear music
Always see beauty
Always have arms to hold you

Your sudden departure will bring unity to the Body of Christ
And because of you a threshold will be established through
which many will pass and find peace, reconciliation and grace
God's Grace.

In those rare moments when the reality of Jesus seems distant or vague, our longing for you will be Heaven's sweetest incentive.

~~~~"Jamma" holding her 11th born grandchild~~~~


Thank you all for reading. If you have suffered and survived a similar situation and would like to tell me your story, I would be ECSTATIC to hear from you! Here is my email, please put the subject as "blog", so I won't mark it as spam. jrfernandez04@aol.com
Can't wait to hear from you!

Only by the grace of God,
Jordan