Sweet Roses, Fresh Snow, Carry me

It is slightly difficult for me to write this part of the "our past" chapter of my story. The spring winds are blowing in my present, full of new life. The wind was also blowing on that day, but it was not full of life. It was full of tears, aching arms, and the overwhelming love from God, family, and friends. It was a Friday. A winter weather filled Friday. To revisit that day, in my weak moments, can be quite jolting. Santos and I arrived early to spend time alone with Helen Charis. Before our loss, I planned on taking "bunny" pictures of my 2nd born every month, pictures of her first time sitting up, her first tooth, her first smiles, her first steps. Instead I was, only 8 days after my first sight of her, to take my final baby pictures. My mom and I put so much love into her "going home" gown. I wanted to make sure a got a picture of my Little Miss wearing it! She looked like a porcelain doll as she rested on her pink pillow in her beautifully handmade "bed". I love her so much!

Early in my pregnancy we told my mom that if we had a boy, we were going to name him. If we had another girl that she could come up with a list of names and we would choose one of them. Every once and awhile she would tell us a new name. When we heard the name Charis(KAH-reece), we fell in love with it! We knew then that Charis was Greek for grace. After choosing Charis, we needed a middle name. we couldn't come up with anything we really liked. I had been thinking about how I would like to name a daughter of mine after my Grandma, Helen Kerr. I thought we better do it with this child, because we may not have any other girls. Charis Helen didn't sound right. We agreed on Helen Charis. Come to find out, after we lost her, Helen is also Greek. It stands for light and beauty. Thus, we also call her Beautiful Grace. There was another Beautiful Grace giving to us, but this one will NEVER be taken from us! All of you who have a relationship with Jesus Christ know the Beautiful Grace I am speaking of.

The service was amazing! Filled with prayer, peace, not to mention the praises of His people! Those of you who are blessed to know my mom, you know she can sing! She can write the most beautiful, God given songs I believe I have ever heard! During the days after losing Helen leading up to the funeral she wrote a song. If you watched the slideshow that is on my first post, you saw a picture of roses. While I was in the hospital resting with Charis in my arms, I looked up at the roses that some of my family brought for us. I took a picture of them and they mean so much to me. I have a silk bouquet that looks like them and reminds me of Charis, my mom and I's "slumber party" at the hospital. Part of the song my mom wrote mentions sweet roses. I asked my mom if she had named the song yet; she hadn't. As another remembrance, I asked her if the LORD hadn't given a name for it if she could name it Sweet Roses; she agreed on the name. My mom sang the song and our pastor played the keyboard music that he wrote for Sweet Roses. It was touching, healing and full of blessings! Our pastor gave the sermon, called Beautiful Grace. He did an amazing job at following God's leading.

As cars were being filled with our loved ones, I was taking in my final glances of our Beautiful Grace. It was time to lay her to rest. The walk out of the funeral home was the hardest, longest walk I ever have and ever will take. Santos was by my side, holding me as we walked to my parents vehicle. The grace, peace and love of my God was keeping me sane. It was storming and that made the drive to Bethel Cemetery even longer. My eyes were hardly ever taken off of the hearse. As if Charis was alive and being held by a toddler; the roads were slick and snow covered; I didn't want anything to happen to her. I was being a mother the only way I knew how to in the situation. The grave-site prayer service was beautifully spoken by our pastor. So much of me wanted to stay there with her forever. As Santos and my LORD held me close, I knew that wasn't possible. I gave her a kiss with my hand threw the casket and walked away.

I woke up the next day, sat up in my bed, and looked out my window. I saw the freshly fallen snow covering the magnolia tree, the crisply flowing creek and God picked me up, yet again, to carry me threw another day.

Blessings,
Jordan

Three Months Ago

I felt I should show you a glimpse of my present before continuing "our past" chapter. I am writing this on the day Charis would have been 3 months old. The temptation to sit in self-pity and pain were not far from my mind but, God is good and knew exactly what I needed. My dad called the work day short to take the work crew and part of our family to a state park. It was so nice to be in God's creation on this day. I had moments when I thought...if Charis was here I would put these next to her chubby cheeks and let her have her first sweet smell of wild flowers...I would tell my second born, "That noise is the water flowing down the creek."...I would have just sat in the sun and let her feel the warmth of God's creation. But streets of gold and the glory of God is sooooo much better for her! In a way I feel sorry for my Alivia and the pain I know she will endure on this earth. My hope and prayer is that she will choose the grace of God and a relationship with His Son, so she will be able to really meet her little sister.

There are still parts of "our past" chapter I want to share with you. So, lets return our thoughts to that time...It was time to leave the hospital and go home...without my baby girl, but I was not empty handed. I left with beautiful pictures, lovely pink roses, her precious dress and a peaceful heart. I just wanted to stay there forever. I knew when I was there I could just push the call bottom and in a few short minutes I could have her in my arms. It was so hard to walk out of the room she was to stay in until her journey to the funeral home. I laid her down for the last time in a sweetly woven basket, started walking out of the room sobbing; I ran back to her and gave her my final earthly kiss. I uttered, "See you soon, Helen Charis. I love you." Until the day we meet again, I have to stay in the arms of the Savior so I don't slip into a world of what if's, regrets, pain, weeping and complete...deep... sorrow. I may seem strong, but God is the One that is holding me up. And I know that I only am NOT beyond slipping. Only by the beautiful grace of God will my feet stand firm.

Arrangements needed to be made. We were blessed to have most of the financial aspects of the funeral paid by an amazingly anonymous party. Plus bills that would have been made out in our name were dismissed. Touching to say the least. My dad wanted to make Little Miss' "first bed". I was deeply thankful for his show of love for his 3rd born daughter and 11th born grandchild. I don't get to plan her birthday parties, teach her how to drive a car, or buy her a wedding dress, so I wanted to take care of as many of the details as I could personally. I knew those acts wouldn't replace the things I planned on doing with Charis, but knowing that I did what I could helped eased the pain. My mom and I bought a christening gown and added our touches to make it our own. I added the pink roses and my mom sowed on her tiny sleeves. Two of my sisters, Kevie and Angie, were able to help my mom make Helen's resting pillow. I designed the memorial pamphlet that was handed out at the funeral. My blessing of a sister-in-law, Teressa, gather the materials together, made it on her computer, and printed them for us. Everything came out wonderfully!

I want to share my day at the funeral and laying Little Miss to rest. I hope you join me on my next post as I continue the "our past" chapter of my story. Thanks for taking the time to "meet" Our Little Miss Helen Charis!

Blessings,
Jordan

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I want to tell a story. A story of our past, my present, and hopes for the future. I say “our past” because it includes someone else. A Little Miss who was alive for only 278 days. A baby named Helen Charis meaning Beautiful Grace. A sweet young girl who lives in my past, echoes in my present and deeply changed my future!

It was Thursday, January 28th, 2010. I was 3 days away from my due date and physically miserable. I was downright done with being pregnant! My appointment was at 1 in the afternoon. Things at the office were running behind a little, but that was fine by me. I was just excited about the possibility of having this baby OUT! The nurse did the normal checking of my urine, weight and blood pressure which was high. As my mom and I were waiting in a room for the doctor, I felt slightly dizzy and I was seeing some “floaters” in my vision. The doctor came in and started to search Helen’s heartbeat. It took him a little longer than normal to find it, but we heard it. All three of us heard it. As this is going on, we spoke about how I had been feeling and he asked if Helen had been less active lately and things along those lines. I told him that she had been less active, but that I knew I had felt her move last night. Also, that I was busy earlier in the morning; that I wasn’t paying attention and was pretty sure I had felt her. Since I said I felt like the movement thing was alright, we went on to my blood pressure being high. He was concerned that I may have preeclampsia. He wanted me to go over to the hospital and get some testing done. My mom and I left and headed straight to the hospital. On the way I called the babysitter and sister in-law to tell them what was going on and plans were made in case they would induce my labor. I also called Santos and briefly explained to him what had happened, that he didn’t have anything to worry about and that we would call him if they found anything to be concerned about or if they induced me.

We arrived at the hospital around 3. She checked my blood pressure, it was fine. She wanted to make sure so she had me move in a couple different positions and took my blood pressure to be certain. It was at a normal level all the times she checked it. Then came the contraction and baby heart monitor. She was informed that it took the doctor awhile to find the heartbeat, so we were not in shock that it was taking her awhile to find it either. She didn’t spend too much time with the monitor before she went to get an ultrasound system and called the doctor to come to my room. I was told the doctor would come as soon as he was able, it was 3:18. The nurse was not an ultrasound tech and was having trouble finding the heart. Since I had gone through one previous pregnancy, I knew what a heart looked like on the monitor and I knew she couldn’t find it. She then went to get another nurse to see if they could find the heart. Neither of them could find it.
At this time, God was reminding me of this verse, “And we know all things work together for good to them who love God, to them who are the called, according to His purposes.” Romans 8:28. In this, He was letting me know Charis was gone. Peace filled my spirit, pain filled my flesh. My flesh wanted to ask for her back. I knew He would give her back to me, if I asked Him. He wouldn’t let me ask…I couldn’t do it. My flesh wanted to, but my spirit knew that this was supposed to happen. The verse was on repeat in my mind. All things…love God…His purposes…over and over! My flesh spoke and I said to my mom, “I hope this isn’t bad.” God’s beautiful grace comforted me and in my spirit I felt as though He had taken Helen home. I was praying and these were a couple of my wandering thoughts…this would be a TRUE test of patience…I think these nine months have been too long to wait to meet my Little Miss…now I am to wait a lifetime! During God and I’s conversation the doctor came in. I looked at the clock, it was 3:38. He started with the ultrasound, found the heart and it was not beating. He said that when he first put the monitor on that he thought he saw Helen’s heart flicker. As he was quickly giving orders and putting an internal monitor on Helen, he explained what would happen if they found any kind of heartbeat…an emergency c-section. The mommy in me didn’t want to believe she was gone; I gave verbal consent for the surgery. He put the monitor on her sweet little head. He and the nurse grabbed one my wrists each; they began to wheel me into the operating room. I said to my mom, “Call him.” A tear wrenched voice called back down the hall, “I am.” The verse was still playing in my head as they were quickly prepping me for surgery. I felt she was gone. The whole time I was overwhelmed by the peace and beautiful grace God had covered me in. I remember one lady in particular amongst all the staff in the OR, she spoke with a raspy voice standing over to me, “You are doing great!” She went on to encourage me while explaining what was going to happen.

I woke up to my love, Santos. My strong, sensitive, stand firm on his faith Santos. “She didn’t make it.” I responded, “All things work together for good to those who love God.” Then, the physical pain took over. MORPHIN? They gave me MORPHIN? It didn’t even feel like they gave me TYLONEL! Santos asked me if I wanted to see her. I wanted to wait to see her until I was able to sit up and really hold her in my arms.

She was beautiful! Fearfully and wonderfully made for sure! It was a slight shock to see her at first, because parts of her soft, sweet smelling baby skin had been affected by her passing in the womb. She was and still is perfect in my eyes. It was so comforting to be able to finally hold my Helen Charis! I know she wasn’t really with me anymore, but holding Charis’s tiny hands made the ache go away…momentarily. Family and friends came to our side. It was beautiful how the love of God was shown. Almost overwhelming! His beautiful grace was and continues to be sufficient for me! I was at peace, God’s peace, true peace. Don’t get me wrong! I was mourning, hurting and crying, but I was at peace with how God had decided to use my Little Miss.

I was sure there was some medical reason to why this happened, but I wasn’t focused on that. I will get to that part, probably within the next couple of posts. I didn’t need the answer to why this “physically” happened to Charis when God gave me the answer to why this “spiritually” happened. For His glory, for people to be brought to His saving grace, for Him to be put back as First in my life. The last reason kinda stung a little. You will read more about that as I continue to tell the “past” chapter of my story. God will use all things for good to those who love Him, and I love Him dearly! Now, more than I love my Little Miss…as oddly as that may sound to some.

I was blessed to stay in the hospital with Helen Charis from that Thursday until Sunday evening. Our first born Alivia Christine was brought up daily to see us. It helped Santos and I a lot hearing her giggling while she ran up and down the hallway outside my room. I wondered since we found out that we were pregnant again what Alivia would do when she first met the new addition to our family. Grandpa Santos had given her a baby doll at Christmas and Alivia had been practicing how to take care of a baby every day since. I wanted Alivia (then 1 year and 9 months old) to meet the baby sister that I had been telling her about for months. The baby sister she gave kisses to while she grew inside me. The baby sister we had planned on being her lifelong playmate. Santos was holding Helen and I had Paula, Santos’ sister, bring in Alivia. As soon as Alivia saw Charis, she wanted to hold her! She said in her Livi language, “Ease! Ease?”(Please! Please?) It was the hardest moment so far! I tearfully asked for Alivia to be taken out, it was too much for me to handle. It was too much for everyone to handle!



Santos stayed at the hospital Thursday and Friday night. Santos was in need of some good rest, physically and emotionally. We agreed that a night’s rest in a familiar place and the company of our Lovely Little Livi would take care of both. He spent Saturday night at his sister and brother in-law’s. My momma spent that night with me at the hospital. We took pictures, talked, cried, prayed and rocked with each other and Little Miss. Those days in the hospital played such a big part in my healing. I loved being able to hold her in my arms, while God held me in His. I loved rocking her while my momma rocked me. I loved being able to touch her sweet soft skin while loved ones touched me with their support. I loved being able to hold her hands while Santos was there to hold mine. I loved being able to rest with her while my spirit rested in Christ. I especially loved being able to show her off for those few short days and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon!

I leave you with a slideshow I put together of the pictures my mom and I took. There are not any pictures of Santos in the slideshow as he was not at the girls “slumber party”. A professional came the night I had my surgery and took our family pictures, which I will be sharing with you all at a later date. I also added some pictures of us girls getting things ready for Charis to “go home” and some of her at the funeral. For you to understand the video more…Jamma is my mom and Popi is my dad. This is what all their grandkids call them.

My story is not near the end. I yearn to share more of my story with you! Hopefully the next couple of post will complete the “past” chapter of my story. I have so many things to tell you all! Enjoy!

Blessings,
Jordan

P.S. I'm sorry for the small size of the video. I'm trying to use a different program to make it bigger so you are able to read the text easier, but for now enjoy the pictures!