Sweet Roses, Fresh Snow, Carry me

It is slightly difficult for me to write this part of the "our past" chapter of my story. The spring winds are blowing in my present, full of new life. The wind was also blowing on that day, but it was not full of life. It was full of tears, aching arms, and the overwhelming love from God, family, and friends. It was a Friday. A winter weather filled Friday. To revisit that day, in my weak moments, can be quite jolting. Santos and I arrived early to spend time alone with Helen Charis. Before our loss, I planned on taking "bunny" pictures of my 2nd born every month, pictures of her first time sitting up, her first tooth, her first smiles, her first steps. Instead I was, only 8 days after my first sight of her, to take my final baby pictures. My mom and I put so much love into her "going home" gown. I wanted to make sure a got a picture of my Little Miss wearing it! She looked like a porcelain doll as she rested on her pink pillow in her beautifully handmade "bed". I love her so much!

Early in my pregnancy we told my mom that if we had a boy, we were going to name him. If we had another girl that she could come up with a list of names and we would choose one of them. Every once and awhile she would tell us a new name. When we heard the name Charis(KAH-reece), we fell in love with it! We knew then that Charis was Greek for grace. After choosing Charis, we needed a middle name. we couldn't come up with anything we really liked. I had been thinking about how I would like to name a daughter of mine after my Grandma, Helen Kerr. I thought we better do it with this child, because we may not have any other girls. Charis Helen didn't sound right. We agreed on Helen Charis. Come to find out, after we lost her, Helen is also Greek. It stands for light and beauty. Thus, we also call her Beautiful Grace. There was another Beautiful Grace giving to us, but this one will NEVER be taken from us! All of you who have a relationship with Jesus Christ know the Beautiful Grace I am speaking of.

The service was amazing! Filled with prayer, peace, not to mention the praises of His people! Those of you who are blessed to know my mom, you know she can sing! She can write the most beautiful, God given songs I believe I have ever heard! During the days after losing Helen leading up to the funeral she wrote a song. If you watched the slideshow that is on my first post, you saw a picture of roses. While I was in the hospital resting with Charis in my arms, I looked up at the roses that some of my family brought for us. I took a picture of them and they mean so much to me. I have a silk bouquet that looks like them and reminds me of Charis, my mom and I's "slumber party" at the hospital. Part of the song my mom wrote mentions sweet roses. I asked my mom if she had named the song yet; she hadn't. As another remembrance, I asked her if the LORD hadn't given a name for it if she could name it Sweet Roses; she agreed on the name. My mom sang the song and our pastor played the keyboard music that he wrote for Sweet Roses. It was touching, healing and full of blessings! Our pastor gave the sermon, called Beautiful Grace. He did an amazing job at following God's leading.

As cars were being filled with our loved ones, I was taking in my final glances of our Beautiful Grace. It was time to lay her to rest. The walk out of the funeral home was the hardest, longest walk I ever have and ever will take. Santos was by my side, holding me as we walked to my parents vehicle. The grace, peace and love of my God was keeping me sane. It was storming and that made the drive to Bethel Cemetery even longer. My eyes were hardly ever taken off of the hearse. As if Charis was alive and being held by a toddler; the roads were slick and snow covered; I didn't want anything to happen to her. I was being a mother the only way I knew how to in the situation. The grave-site prayer service was beautifully spoken by our pastor. So much of me wanted to stay there with her forever. As Santos and my LORD held me close, I knew that wasn't possible. I gave her a kiss with my hand threw the casket and walked away.

I woke up the next day, sat up in my bed, and looked out my window. I saw the freshly fallen snow covering the magnolia tree, the crisply flowing creek and God picked me up, yet again, to carry me threw another day.

Blessings,
Jordan