Three Months Ago

I felt I should show you a glimpse of my present before continuing "our past" chapter. I am writing this on the day Charis would have been 3 months old. The temptation to sit in self-pity and pain were not far from my mind but, God is good and knew exactly what I needed. My dad called the work day short to take the work crew and part of our family to a state park. It was so nice to be in God's creation on this day. I had moments when I thought...if Charis was here I would put these next to her chubby cheeks and let her have her first sweet smell of wild flowers...I would tell my second born, "That noise is the water flowing down the creek."...I would have just sat in the sun and let her feel the warmth of God's creation. But streets of gold and the glory of God is sooooo much better for her! In a way I feel sorry for my Alivia and the pain I know she will endure on this earth. My hope and prayer is that she will choose the grace of God and a relationship with His Son, so she will be able to really meet her little sister.

There are still parts of "our past" chapter I want to share with you. So, lets return our thoughts to that time...It was time to leave the hospital and go home...without my baby girl, but I was not empty handed. I left with beautiful pictures, lovely pink roses, her precious dress and a peaceful heart. I just wanted to stay there forever. I knew when I was there I could just push the call bottom and in a few short minutes I could have her in my arms. It was so hard to walk out of the room she was to stay in until her journey to the funeral home. I laid her down for the last time in a sweetly woven basket, started walking out of the room sobbing; I ran back to her and gave her my final earthly kiss. I uttered, "See you soon, Helen Charis. I love you." Until the day we meet again, I have to stay in the arms of the Savior so I don't slip into a world of what if's, regrets, pain, weeping and complete...deep... sorrow. I may seem strong, but God is the One that is holding me up. And I know that I only am NOT beyond slipping. Only by the beautiful grace of God will my feet stand firm.

Arrangements needed to be made. We were blessed to have most of the financial aspects of the funeral paid by an amazingly anonymous party. Plus bills that would have been made out in our name were dismissed. Touching to say the least. My dad wanted to make Little Miss' "first bed". I was deeply thankful for his show of love for his 3rd born daughter and 11th born grandchild. I don't get to plan her birthday parties, teach her how to drive a car, or buy her a wedding dress, so I wanted to take care of as many of the details as I could personally. I knew those acts wouldn't replace the things I planned on doing with Charis, but knowing that I did what I could helped eased the pain. My mom and I bought a christening gown and added our touches to make it our own. I added the pink roses and my mom sowed on her tiny sleeves. Two of my sisters, Kevie and Angie, were able to help my mom make Helen's resting pillow. I designed the memorial pamphlet that was handed out at the funeral. My blessing of a sister-in-law, Teressa, gather the materials together, made it on her computer, and printed them for us. Everything came out wonderfully!

I want to share my day at the funeral and laying Little Miss to rest. I hope you join me on my next post as I continue the "our past" chapter of my story. Thanks for taking the time to "meet" Our Little Miss Helen Charis!

Blessings,
Jordan